The League of Shadow

Probably if you know her (Americans), you know her from the Transporter. If that’s all you know, you should dig deeper. She has been called the Sharon Stone of the East. That’s total crap, Sharon has nothing on ShuQi. She can do just about anything she wants.

At a young age she started as a nude model, going by different names but mostly Hsi Chi. She appeared and a handful of Penthouse Hong Kong issues. Those issues are worth checking out. ShuQi’s frame packed with great hips and a dynamite figure are not to be missed.

 She appeared in many adult movies overseas. After all that, which would down the normal star in our western society, she only excelled in her career. She is a full blown supermodel today, and has been in numerous high production films here and abroad.   If you haven’t stopped to look at real beauty in a while, stop. Thank me later. Also her Flash site is kick ass.

Take a look here.

ShuQi, I never got an email back from you after I sent you those nude photos of me, what gives?

Is this a solid product? How functional is the rack? What quality is the whole system?

I have no fucking idea…I haven’t put this thing together yet. It’s in 5 thousand pieces. I will say that again, FIVE thousand pieces. It only has 5 god damned moving parts!

What I do know is someone needs to send some hookers over to the local sporting goods store to blow the poor kids that have to spend 12 hours putting shit like this together.

I got this thing home in 2 very compact boxes. I thought to myself “Shit, this is going to need tools to put together.” Little did I know exactly HOW right I was?

Have you ever put a piece of furniture together from Target or a similar store? You know; something simple that has one drawer but comes in to 50 individual pieces? Parents that have put a babies crib together understand exactly the kind of bullshit I am talking about.

Well this thing is the mother fucker, of all fuckers that fuck mothers.

Here is the nice model picture

Here is the diagram of the bench…no just the fucking bench nothing else.

Here is the rack.

While I got this at a discount price, the price alone of brining in the child labor to build this god damned thing by the time I am 60 makes it not worth it. Oh well, I will give you a functional review when I have this shit up.

Also look for a very gross self review in the future. We will follow my exercise exploits towards fighting the effects of being 30(ish)!

Most hyped game in years? Most hyped game in history? Maybe. But, this shit is fun! Fuck all the bullshit and whining about the campaign mode. We are all just spoiled. The campaign mode is fine. It’s not as good as Halo2 or Gears of war. Yeah, I said it.

Have no doubt, multiplayer is where it’s at with this game. If you don’t buy many games and usually get every second out of a title because you’re a cheap bitch, go buy this one. People will be playing this multiplayer for the next 4 years. A normal multiplayer title lasts about 6 months, and a good one lasts about 2 years. A couple of small things like different armour set unlocks and such really add to the game. This multiplayer is that good!

Big Team Battle is my favorite so I will start there, and if I feel like it may squeeze the rest in. It’s simple, this is a battle of 2 teams 8 vs. 8, 16 people on the same battlefield for our arthmitards. There are a handful of game types in this mode.

Team Slayer: this is 8 on 8, to see which team can rack up the most kills of the other team.

Neutral Assault: there is one bomb on the map to pick up. The teams race to pick it up. Once a team member has the bomb he has to make it to the specified area and arm the bomb. If the player gets killed they drop the bomb and either team can pick it up and continue. If a small time passes before the bomb is picked up it will reset. First to 3 detonations is the winner.  

VIP: this one is fun as hell. One random player on each team gets the VIP designation at spawn. The teams only score points by killing this player. An icon shows up over the head of the VIP and can be seen across the horizon, so you can’t hide. Both teams will have a VIP up at the same time. While you can kill the other team at will, you only get a point for assassinating the VIP.

CTF: this is a classic and standard favorite of team multiplayer. A good old game of capture the mother fuckin flag! Ok so not that exciting, but still fun. Grab the flag, get it back to your base.

The great thing about all these matches, it the amount of weapons and vehicles to use that are all over each map. For people not used to playing Halo (yes you 2 assholes) I will stay away from saying Ghost, or Warthog and such. So there are flying ships, hum-v with turret, four wheelers, motorcycle type vehicles, and a shit ton of different weapons. What makes it really fun is when all these things are flying around the screen glitch free. That’s right glitch free. Of course if your having connection speed issues you experience weird things, but the developers have done a great job at making it seem like everyone is playing on the same console.

One of my favorite matches as a single player is King of the Hill or Crazy Kings. There is a designated area that each player racks up points by just being in that area. Sound easy? Hardly. All players at one time could fit into the area as it is pretty big. It is small enough though that 2 grenades could send everyone in there to a dinner party with Kurt Cobain and Elvis.

Can you pass the chicken and heroin?

So the guy that is in that area for the longest wins. Crazy Kings is the same game except the area that scores points will randomly move throughout the match, sending you running across the map. Some will love this some will hate it.

Each of these matches last no longer than 15 minutes. This is great if you have a 2 year old or an alcohol abuse problem.

The best part of this multiplayer experience has got to be the chat system. For those not used to the Xbox Live universe, most games are filled with 13 year old racist, homophobic, sexist remarks the entire time you play. I know that sounds great, but no. These cracks are horrible and coming from a little girlie voice while getting shot in the face will make you extremely agitated. Or another issue is listening to some redneck yell at his wife and threaten his children, because he won’t turn his fuckin mic off. There is no quicker way to kill any and all chatter in an Xbox Live session. In Halo 3 you have to hit the D pad to open the airways to talk and it closes back down in a few seconds. It is surprising how lazy these little fuckers are. In the lobby they talk their ass off, but when the game starts they hardly take the time to hit the D pad unless it necessary dialogue. This alone makes this the best XBL game to ever come out. Fuck you, you little pricks.

Go buy this game. Seriously, go buy it.

Graphics: Great
Presentation: Good
Controls: Great
Campaign: Solid
Multiplayer: Legendary

A great pic of Ms. Hazell from Zoo Magazine.

These fuckin things drag all the creativity from me. I can’t think of anything witty to write. So here…

So I recently sat down and watched “Shadow: Dead Riot” to get you guys a review. Right off the bat let’s get to what the blog title means. Sometimes someone lets a huge nasty fart, and for some people it makes you want to puke, for others it’s very funny, even others love it because of the relief it provides. I am sure this movie has an equally diverse effect on people. Have no doubt though, for everyone, it stinks really, really, bad.

My suggestion for this movie is watch it with a bunch of friends and be totally hammered/stoned…whatever your vice is. Then and only then, you might find this amusing enough to watch it all the way through. I think it has enough over the top crap that makes it worth the watch, but again, I like crappy horror movies.

Horror all-stars Tony Todd (Candyman), and Erin Brown (aka Misty Mundae) make appearances in this flick. First time horror actress Carla Greene was a totally unexpected surprise, and way too good of an actress. She actually stood way out from the other performances. She does show up wet and in cotton underwear, but sorry no nudity from her. Carla Greene, from the stunts she did herself, was very believable as a martial arts badass.

Here is the movie set up. A super evil inmate, played by Tony Todd, is set to be executed by lethal injection. He is wearing a bad wig with braids (only important because sometimes he has it and others he does not…no good reason either way). He is accused of murder, rape, and more murder, and more rape. Something about, he drank the blood of mothers and babies (even pregnant women) for strength. Anyhow, he is so evil that his blood actually runs up the I.V. not the other way. DAMN THAT’S ONE EVIL MOTHER FUCKER. Ok, so that’s actually really stupid. Well, he explodes into pieces all over the jail and evil is all around (evil meaning weird noises and death all over). What? My writing doesn’t make sense? Nope. It’s the movie. I watched that part 3 times, trying to get a good idea of what they were going for and came up with this. Evil is like pop rocks and they were injecting Pepsi into his body, BOOM!

That is better than what they wrote. So they close the Prison down, and bury the dead bodies on premises.

The prison reopens as a women’s correctional facility. Yep, that’s right a chick prison movie with zombies and a hero who is a kung-fu master! So I have to say this idea is really good for a cult hit. So immediately the stereotypical butch and bitch personalities are portrayed. They give you a shower scene right away. Titties and bush everywhere! (very mediocre, but tons of it) Carla Greene is the inmate that likes to be a loner so much her name is Solitaire! Did I mention she has a heart of gold and foot full of Karate!!

So that’s really what you need to know. You can guess exactly how the rest of this movie goes down, so I will just hit the high points.

Q: How do the Zombies get brought to life?
A: A pregnant lady is in labor and sits in the yard to catch her breath during labor and bleeds from between her legs into the ground. Horribly Awesome!

Q: What is the Badass black karate chick’s connection to the head Zombie?
A: Duh? It’s his daughter (it think) or he at least raped and killed her mom during pregnancy…I might have been fast forwarding here.

Q: Does it end with a show down fight?
A: Of course, and it’s really anti climactic.

Q: Any scene worth mentioning?
A: Yep. After all the movies I have seen, I have never seen a mother try to nurse a zombie baby and have it bite off her nipple. The wound creates a pool of blood, with spurts of bright white milk splattering into it.

Ok so this actually seems like a positive review. And it is, until…I tell you this is a crappy movie. The production value is bad…even for a bad horror movie. This is actually on par with most Misty Mundae films, but not so much the Tony Todd kind of flicks. The production value and a script that is unnecessarily complex, or stupid, or confusing, or not thought out… you get my point, are crap. It seems like 4 people wrote this and none read the others work. If you can watch a porn without fast forwarding, you will like this flick and have fun with it. However the pieces that join titties and over the top gore scenes are so bad you may not be able to make it through without heavy use of drugs or alcohol and a group of friends equally fucked up.

I give this movie a twelve pack,  joint, and 2 steaming donkey terds.